How to describe wine without sounding like a weirdo

Let's face it: describing wine feels like trying to explain a dream. You know what it feels like. You just sound like a haunted fruit basket when you say it out loud.

You take a sip. You panic. You blurt out: “It's… red?” We've all been there. So here's the line from our comic, said to every normal person holding a glass and a mild identity crisis: “Start with fruit, body, acidity. End with confidence. And no, ‘it tastes like wine’ doesn't count.”

The short answer: name the fruit, say how heavy the wine feels, say how sharp it is, and say it like you mean it. Three plain words and a little confidence beat a paragraph of jargon.

Fruit: what kind?

Don't stop at “fruity”. Is it fresh, ripe or dried? Juicy cherry, dried fig, lemon rind in a sunbeam? Reds usually sit in red fruit (strawberry, raspberry, cherry) or black fruit (blackberry, blackcurrant, plum). Whites run from citrus (lemon, lime, grapefruit) to orchard fruit (apple, pear), stone fruit (peach, apricot) and tropical (pineapple, mango).

Body: how heavy is it?

Body is the weight of the wine in your mouth. Think milk: skimmed is light, whole is medium, and full-bodied is the cream you'd cry into. Alcohol is a big part of it, so stronger wines usually feel fuller.

Acidity: how sharp is the snap?

Acidity is what makes your mouth water. Think lime versus plush peach. High acidity feels bright, crisp and mouth-watering. Low acidity feels soft and round.

Two bonus words

• Sweetness: “dry” just means not sweet. Most wine is dry. Off-dry means a touch sweet; sweet means dessert.
• Tannin (reds): the drying grip on your gums and tongue, like strong black tea. Lots of it feels firm or grippy; a little feels silky.

Confidence: say it like it's true

Because for you, it is. No one is grading you. Wine isn't a test. It's a love language in liquid form. Speak it how you speak. (Unless you're sitting a sommelier exam. Then there is a grid, and it is a test: see how sommeliers blind taste.)

Say this, not that

Put it together

• A Beaujolais: “Juicy red cherry, light, fresh. I'd chill it a little.”
• A Sancerre: “Lime and green apple, light-bodied, really crisp.”
• A Napa Cabernet: “Ripe blackberry, full, with a firm grip at the end.”

Want more words for your nose? Read strawberry aromas in wine. My book Wine Easy has a five-step tasting system that works tonight, with comics instead of jargon.

And if all else fails, say: “It reminds me of the last good day I didn't realise was the last good day.” Nobody argues with that.

Describe wine like you describe someone you once loved: weird, specific, unforgettable.

Questions people ask